How We Relate by Jesse Eubanks

Author:Jesse Eubanks
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Zondervan
Published: 2022-11-26T00:00:00+00:00

The young Three found that their own sense of value rose and fell according to the adoration of the people around them. As teens, when their clothes and body shape were desirable, they drew people in. When they weren’t, they pushed people away. When they achieved second place or made mistakes during a performance, they felt embarrassed and could sense that others were not as impressed with them. This small insecurity would grow over time into something much crueler.

With so much emphasis on performance and achievement, the Three interpreted an unspoken message: It’s not okay to have your own feelings and identity.3 As a child, the Three found that what they felt, what they were curious about, and what may have been stirring inside them was of little consequence or importance. Being admired paid off more than being authentic. One Three told me, “I used to tell my sister to just play the game. Just do what they ask, and you’ll get their approval. It doesn’t have to be authentic or what you actually want.” To a kid who doesn’t know the difference, approval and love seem like the same thing.

Like all people do, at some point the Three asked themselves, Who am I? Between the sports, the grades, the stages, and the performances, a voice inside replied, You’re as valuable as your last achievement. As a result, the Three became afraid of being worthless or without inherent value.4 This became the fuel that drove them to succeed. The Three came to believe that if they are not successful, beautiful, or admired, it will confirm their deepest fear: their life is a smoke screen to hide the pitiful truth that they are a worthless loser.

Take a kid who is scared they’re worthless, who senses that everyone’s adoration rises and falls according to their performance, and who sees failure as a threat to being accepted, and you’ve got a kid who feels a lot of shame.5 The Three learns that to attract people, they must be attractive. To get and keep love, it helps to put on a good show.

Behind their clubs, sororities, job titles, certifications, and business ventures is just a kid longing to be esteemed, to have someone value them and tell them, “You are loved for yourself, not your performance.”6 They want to know what love feels like when they no longer have to impress anyone.

Like all of us, the Three wants to be valuable.7 Without a stable sense of value, we feel insecure. We want to know we’re safe from abandonment and can rest in the security of our relationships. We want to be able to share our ideas and experiences and have someone else say, “Wow! That’s a huge help. Thank you for sharing!” We want to know that our qualities and character are beneficial to others. The Three isn’t looking to be important to everyone; they just want to be important to someone.

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